A Midnight Trip to the ER

"Sitting in the ER with my husband, Adria's asleep in her stroller. He's stabilizing so hoping to leave soon."

Yesterday a notification popped up on my Facebook account that this was my "status" four years ago just after midnight on April 19. I had almost forgotten about that trip to the ER...but not really, I just haven't thought about it in a while.

The ER visit was a result of another seizure that had shown up completely unexpected. Except this time, Adrian had two seizures...in the same day...that had never happened. And it was the first time that our little toddler Adria actually witnessed Daddy having a seizure :(

It had actually started as a very exciting day for us. I had a doctor appointment with my OB/GYN who had confirmed that I was indeed pregnant again and just over six weeks along. Even at such an early stage, I was able to see a tiny flutter of a heartbeat on a screen...that little heart continues to beat in our daughter Johanna. It was so reassuring for us to see this little life as just three months prior, I had miscarried at 10 weeks pregnant and never saw or heard a heartbeat.

But my joy soon changed to fear, as later that day I received a phone call at work from my very delirious and confused husband. I left my model home office right away to arrive at home and find Adrian walking around disoriented with a few blood traces on his face. I found more blood spots on the carpet and the small gash in his tongue...all evidence that he had endured another grand mal seizure! Two year old Adria was playing quietly with her toys in the other room and seemed oblivious to what happened. It had been about four months since his last seizure, so there was no indication why another had occurred.

Later that night, Adrian's shoulder was in incredible pain (which often occurs as a result of the convulsions) but he seemed stable. It was late, so I decided to quickly run out to the pharmacy to get him some pain meds. I left Adria at home watching a movie, since I wasn't going to be gone long. In hindsight, that wasn't my best idea, but I had no reason to think anything else would happen. Adrian's seizures had really only come months apart from each other thus far.

To my great dismay, I returned home to find my husband floundering around the kitchen with more blood streaks on his face and a distant look in his eyes...and our precious little girl stood in her walker at the edge of the kitchen crying and afraid. It was a terrible moment!

I quickly helped Adrian find a seat, then held little Adria close to comfort her. Of course, she and I cried together for a little while. Later, as I changed her diaper, Adria actually told me, "Daddy fell on the countertop. It was scary!"

Her comprehension and ability to share what happened amazed me, since she was just 2.5 years old. But it really worried me as well that she had to see it.

Since this was the first time Adrian had experienced back to back seizures and the pain he felt was so intense, I took him to the local ER in Indianapolis, Indiana (where we lived at the time). It was almost midnight when we arrived. They did a CT scan on him, which came back normal... And pumped him full of strong pain meds so he could rest.

Adria could not walk on her own at the time, so she just rested in the stroller until Daddy was discharged around 4 a.m. I was exhausted as I took my husband and daughter home in the wee morning hours...wondering what we should do.

The neurologist later suspected that Adrian had the seizures because he was on a generic brand seizure medication and made sure that he be put on Dilantin.

Thankfully, my parents were already planning to fly in from DE and visit us at our Indiana home, so they were able to help care for Adria the following week as I returned to work. We enjoyed their visit and went on several outings, including a visit to downtown and the Indy 500 Motor Speedway, but Adrian was definitely not himself and still recovering.

The drama of the seizures was lessened by our little Adria's progress using a walker and becoming more independent. She even got to do an Easter egg hunt on her own with Grandma being clever to strap the basket to her walker. And when the grandparents left, Adria asked to fly with them...she loved the airport.

Two year old Adria enjoying her first independent Easter egg hunt with her walker, just days after Daddy's seizure.

My parents and brother Aaron visiting us in Indianapolis that week.

Our little family moving on from the drama of a few days earlier with a visit to White River Gardens.

So I look at how different our lives are on April 19, 2015 compared to April 19, 2011. Instead of just finding out we're expecting another baby, we are now just two weeks from the expected arrival of Baby Boy Seely.  Adria's not learning to walk, she's running around doing her best to keep up with other kids on a soccer field as she tries out organized sports!  Adrian has remained mostly healthy for two years, still with lingering side effects from the seizures but nothing like what he used to have. And we're back to being a few minutes drive from our parents, instead of a 12 hour drive. It's life. Don't get too comfortable, cause you never know what might happen.

Adria (far right) poses with her soccer team on Sunday, April 19, 2015
as part of her first ever organized sports experience.

The Tears Fall

The tears fall.

Happy tears. Sad tears. Just-because-I'm-hormonal tears. They come out of nowhere these days and catch me off guard. Or wake me up in the middle of the night.

Like now. Finally I gave in. After crying, praying, kissing my sleeping daughters, and eating a Pop-tart...I decided to write. So bear in mind this is being drafted at 4 a.m. and therefore should be read with grace.

Why am I feeling so emotional?

With our baby's due date just three weeks from today (Yikes!), I am just emotional in general. But yesterday was one of those days that provided so many opportunities for emotion. It held a milestone event for Adria, a church friend's funeral, another Sunday at the office, and a celebration for the Baby boy that's about to join us...among other things.

The Baby Shower

Last night, my Mom and Adrian's Mom hosted a Baby Shower with the theme "Frogs, Snails and Puppy Dog Tails" for our little guy. It was super cute, and I could tell a lot of time had gone into the preparations. I felt honored and thankful that such effort would be put forth for a third baby. Much appreciated, Mom! My sister made the trip down from Vermont to be there, and it was so good to visit with some dear friends and family. Thoughtful and adorable gifts and boy clothes were given to us and baby, along with many much-needed Diapers and wipes!

My Mom tapped into her creative side to make this cute poster for the Shower
along with Frog, Snail, and Puppy Dog Cake Pops!

But the silly thing is that I awoke in the night crying because Adria was not there to open the gifts with me. Such a silly Mommy! She has been so excited about Baby Brother coming and baby stuff, that I thought she'd love to help look through the bags of goodies. Instead, she and sister Johanna took advantage of the sunny spring day and played outside with cousins and other little girls who were there. You know, like any normal child, so I didn't want to stop them.

Me and my girls at the end of the Baby Shower

Then in bed, my mind wandered back to Adria's Baby Shower, nearly seven years ago (has it been so long?). I remember many people being there to celebrate her coming. I remember taking a few minutes to share about her special life and the unknowns with Spina Bifida, and our hope and prayer that even though the baby I carried had a life-altering "abnormality" that she could still live a blessed and fulfilling life. And just look at her now! I wished I would have said something about it last night, and publicly thanked God for Adria's blessing along with the blessing of a perfectly healthy little girl in Johanna and the opportunity to have a son. Yes, the tears are falling.

The Soccer Game

A huge testimony to Adria's blessing and her incredible life also occurred yesterday. She played in her first ever soccer game! This was her first official sports game of any kind, actually. She ran around the field with other children age 6 and under, and kicked the ball several times, falling just a couple times. Of course, she was regularly distracted by her fan club that kept arriving to watch...there were about a dozen of us there.

But let me tell you, I was laughing along with crying the happy tears. Watching these little ones play 3 on 3 soccer was hysterical! Half the time, they were kicking the ball the wrong way or standing there oblivious that the ball had come to them. Still, each team somehow managed to score two goals.

Look at Adria running after the soccer ball!

The game lasted less than 30 minutes and even with many breaks, Adria's cheeks were flushed and she was quite winded and tired by the end. But, we were all so proud! Our little girl, who can't wiggle her toes or walk well without leg braces to support her weak calves and ankles, was out there playing SOCCER! And it was all by her choice. When she saw the paper come home from school with the soccer balls all over it, she begged to play. Mom and Dad were apprehensive, but she really wanted to and we had to let her try...even if it meant she'd fall on her face time and again. But this little girl knows how to get up again (sometimes with a few tears of her own).

Here's Adria at her first soccer practice a few weeks ago:

Mom and Dad supporting our little worn out soccer star post-game. 

The Funeral

In between the Soccer Game and the Baby Shower, there was a Funeral. It was for a dear lady from church, almost my parents' age, who just lost her battle with cancer. I was not able to attend because I had to work, but I heard that more than 200 people were there to remember the life of this soft-spoken woman with a servant heart and deep love for God and her family.

Though I was not very close to her personally, just the thought of her family's loss and the empty spot that will be left in the church is enough to bring tears. Yet, we still can rejoice that she is whole and healed in her new heavenly home.

A friend at my shower said it was really a great service in her honor. The service and reception went fairly long, so many of my church friends were not able to attend our Baby Shower, but of course I was understanding.

The Office

In the midst of this day, I found myself crying at work. While I do have to work every other Sunday, it is a short day for me, requiring about five hours in the model home...a.k.a. my office. Yesterday was not busy, and I was honestly so thankful because Saturday and the rest of the week were so full of client appointments (which really is a great thing).

My one appointment was with a woman who came in with her three children - two girls and their little brother. Turns out they were all three years apart, just like my children, but about ten years ahead of us. The kind mother had just been approved for a loan for her first home and was researching her options. She was timid yet eager to explore her options to build with us. I wanted to help her, I really did. Unfortunately, there was no way I could get her into a new home with the limited amount of her loan approval. I did the best I could to encourage her and provide advice, but I could see the disappointment in her eyes.

A few minutes after they left, I couldn't stop thinking about this mother that must be working so hard to provide a good life for her family and to give them a home. Yep, it made me cry. I hope and pray that she can find a wonderful place to call home.

A New Day

As dawn is now approaching, my tissues are wet from all these happy, sad, hormonal tears. But my heart is full and I am thankful. I have so much to give thanks for...a baby who I will soon hold, two beautiful daughters, a comfortable home, a great job, caring friends and family, and a New Day that God has given to embrace. In this new day, I am especially thankful for my husband, who shows his love in special ways, like giving his nine month pregnant wifey a pedicure yesterday morning so that I had pretty blue toes for the Baby Shower :)   

Here's to hoping your days may have Happy Tears, even in the midst of the Sad Tears.

Third Time Around

Expected one month from today...a newborn baby boy! My baby. Our baby. God's child. For the third time, we are anticipating the arrival of a miraculous new life. What a blessing and privilege this is, and we do not take it for granted.

As we look forward to the arrival of what looks to be our first son, I find myself amused as I compare what it's like to be expecting a third child versus number one and number two. I would say the love a mother feels in her heart for the baby she carries does not lessen, but her emotions and planning for the baby certainly do change with each one.

Our first two babies greeting the Easter Bunny during Friday's Kite Festival near the beach.

Reading about Baby

With our first child, Adria, I was so excited about having a baby and all the mystery and newness that surrounded creating life. Even though I had the experience of my sister's stories with the two young children she had, it was an all new endeavor of learning and preparing for my baby. I immersed myself into reading What to Expect When You're Expecting and read that cover to cover, along with a couple other pregnancy books. (If you really know me, you'd know that it generally takes me a loooong time to get through a book, if I finish it at all, so it's impressive that I showed such dedication).

I will admit that it became much harder to read the books about what to expect from our newborn, after five months along when we found out that Adria had spina bifida. Suddenly, they did not seem as helpful or pertinent, yet I continued with an adjusted focus on reading about what to expect with spina bifida. That got overwhelming pretty quickly, and I returned to the generic baby books.

When our second daughter, Johanna, was on the way almost three years later, I wasn't even sure where those baby books were. We had moved twice since Adria's birth, so they were hidden somewhere in the shuffle. I did eventually find a couple, and review a few pages but now that I had a toddler to care for who was just learning to walk, there wasn't nearly as much time for reading.

This third time, those books are long gone. We've moved twice (again) since Johanna. And those books were given to other expectant mothers over the past three years. Now, I just downloaded a pregnancy app on my iPhone to help me keep track of how far along I am...otherwise I'd have no idea. But we are getting, so close it's easy to remember!

Naming Baby

I was not that girl who had baby names picked out for my children by the time I was age 10...or 20. Naming our babies has been tough! Still, we were pretty set on Adria's name a few months before she was born. Her name, of course, is the female form of her Daddy's name, and she shares his initials. She had his heart, right from the start ;)

When it came time to name baby 2 and we knew she was a girl, we decided to do a name similar to Mommy's name and use my initials. Johanna means "Gift from God" and we truly felt that, as she came to us soon after we had experienced a miscarriage.

We love the opportunity to pick out a boy name this third time around, but it has not been easy either. We are 90% sure on his name at this point, but....you'll have to wait until he's born to find that out! As we did with the girls' names, we'll keep this a surprise until he arrives. It's a good way to keep outside opinions to a minimum ;)

Do you like our fun T-shirts? Mine is new, but Adrian has been able to wear "The Impregnator" shirt for all three babies ;)

Boby Stuff

In truth, I feel very fortunate when it comes to pregnancy. Having wide hips and a long torso ends up being a pretty good combination for baby carrying! That said, there are some obvious differences this third time around. My biggest pregnancy issues with the girls were the obnoxious burping and gas along with ditsy pregnancy brain...you know what I mean.

But this little guy...For starters, I weigh more now than I ever did with either of the girls, and I still have a month to go! I've said it before, and I'll say it again - I want to eat all the time. My friends with boys claim it was this way for them too. My belly is definitely protruding more than it did with the girls. And the heartburn has been awful and regular. I so do not remember that. Plus, I got bad winter colds that lasted for weeks on end, leaving my stomach in agony to the point of tears from all the coughing. Sometimes I feared it would never stop. And now a cold is starting to return...I am not happy about this.

But all that said, I feel very good in general and am perfectly content for baby to wait until his due date of May 4 to arrive. I've got lots still to do at home and work to prepare!

Momma's belly is looking pretty large now with a month to go!

Birth Plan

I laugh when I read on-line guides to "creating your birth plan" because in my experience and so many others, nothing goes as planned when it's time to deliver your baby.

Adria was scheduled to be delivered via C-section on Sept. 2 to lessen the risk of damaging her spina bifida sack. However, a test showed that her lungs were not quite ready for delivery so we played a waiting game for a week, and I ultimately delivered her via C-section on Sept. 8 with a doctor I had never met. 

With Johanna, my plan was attempt a more tradition delivery, also know as VBAC (Vaginal Birth After C-section). Since I had never gone into labor or experienced this with Adria, I worked with a doula  recommended by a friend to provide me with advice and planning. Ultimately, my water broke in Walmart (read more on that incident HERE) and I had to go straight to the hospital and be put on monitors. I had a very supportive OB in Indianapolis, and I was still able to deliver vaginally but it was almost 16 hours later. They had to give me Pitocin to keep my labor progressing, and when they did that I asked for the epidural. I have to admit, I am a fan of the epidural...it has drawbacks but it enabled me to "rest" during those later hours of labor and then focus during the 45 minutes of pushing it took to deliver Jo-Jo.

This third time, I've had to adjust my plans as our local hospital in southern Delaware does not generally perform VBAC deliveries, even though I am a good candidate for another one. Halfway through pregnancy, I changed to a new OB office and plan to deliver at the Dover hospital. It was actually a tough decision (Read more at WHERE SHOULD I DELIVER MY BABY). Honestly, my biggest plan this time is to make sure I pack a bag for the hospital soon, so that Adrian doesn't have to flounder and figure out what I need like last time. Then, I'll hope and pray for a safe and fairly short labor and delivery with a healthy baby at the end.... and I'll probably get that epidural again. Not ashamed.

Post Baby Awareness 

One of the biggest differences this third time is the awareness of what comes AFTER the baby arrives. As much as I'm looking forward to cuddling and snuggling with a little bundle of sweetness, I also know what is coming. I remember all the baby fussiness and lack of sleep, particularly in the first few weeks. Then, there's all the mommy "discharge" and body aches and pains after delivery. A friend recently asked me if was easier to recover from the C-section or vaginal birth. In truth, they were both so different that it's hard to say, but if I had to pick one...I'd say the vaginal birth was a tougher recovery.

Of course, my situation was unique, as I had more time to recover with Adria. For three days after her birth, I laid in a hospital room without her as she was 20 minutes away in a children's hospital recovering from her back closure surgery...It was terrible to be apart from my newborn baby. But it did give me the chance to rest and rebuild strength for the next two weeks we would spend with her in the NICU. 

Our experience with Johanna was much different. She arrived at 4:44 a.m. on a Friday, and we headed home on Saturday night. In theory, that's great. In reality, it was actually somewhat harder to be at home that first week than in the NICU because we did not have the support of all those doctors and nurses 24/7. 

And let's not forget the milk coming in and figuring how to get this baby to latch onto Mommy and drink. I think many young moms are not prepared for the initial challenge of breast-feeding and the pain involved. But my advice is to hang in there if you can and keep trying! It will get better, and if it doesn't work for you and baby, don't feel guilty.

Final Thoughts

There's so much more I could say about the differences this third time around, but at the end of the day, it is true that this baby will get less of my attention than the first. There's no way around it. I have two inquisitive little girls that will continue to demand my time as well. And I know, it's going to get really tough to balance all their needs, but this Baby is what we wanted and prayed for. He is already deeply loved by everyone in our family, and we look forward to meeting him in about a month!

Oh yeah, and we worked on getting the nursery ready today, so I'm feeling more prepared :)